Friday, August 1, 2003

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED

In a way I was weaned on Sports Illustrated. When I was a kid there weren't many places to get that sports info that I was already hungry for. Local newspapers, SI, and another national paper called the Sporting News were just about it, except for sports "yearbooks". I know it's hard to imagine, but there was no Sportscenter, and there was virtually no sports coverage on television other than live broadcasts. Instant replay was just a gleam in someone's camera eye somewhere. The importance of "being there" at the game was magnified much more than it is now, because it was the only way to see what happened, and how it all felt.

I loved reading, in detail, the box scores and accounts from baseball and other games, believing that I could play the game in my mind from what I saw inside the printed facts and numbers. My mother used to brag on me cause I knew all the batting averages of all the Phillies’ players when I was 7 years old or whatever. She took me to a lot of games. I found out later that this "gift" of a passion-for-useless-information that I had been given was not necessarily a marketable skill. I was good at phone #’s, too, and I’m not sure I ever did anything with that talent either. Besdes, you don't even have to remember phone numbers anymore. Even so, I still know my first home phone number as well as I know my own name. We moved out of there in 1961. I do not remember what I had for dinner yesterday, however, or most anybody else's name for that matter.

Anyway, I’ve read a lot of them (Sports Illustrateds) over the years. I think my actual subscription is over 30 years old. I still have an issue from 1964 with Johnny Callison (my hero) gracing the cover with his beautiful swing, sometime before the Phillies late September collapse, which ultimately gave the National League pennant to the hated Cardinals on the penultimate day of that season. Someday perhaps I will have the courage to write about the tragedy that this was for me at 12 years old.

I love and revere the magazine, even though I try to recycle rather than save. I have never written to them, and even now, I’m too lazy to do that, but I now have a couple of bones to pick with the King of sports magazines. Since I’m lazy I’ll just do it right here, and no one will have to know.

KOBE, KOBE, KOBE

Why was he on the cover of Sports Illustrated last week? Is this whole rape thing in Vail (Edwards) the most important thing going on in sports? I do hope not. Besides, all this bad role model crap has been well-documented over the years, and most particularly in the media-mad NBA, where height and hype alone make them high profile. Is everyone really that shocked that something like this has happened? I suppose the whole Kobe subject is more interesting than tribal cricket competitions, but that, to me, is a sad thing.

I DON’T GET THE "TOUR DE LANCE"

Lance Armstrong is on the cover this week. He has won the "Tour" five times straight. I always thought of this streak, or any streak like this, as something very special. I wonder if I still do. It looks more like the "Tour de Fix" to me now. He doesn’t win any stages, he falls at least twice, one of his competitors waits for him to catch up after one of the falls, and as I understand it, his teammates (who speak no English and are sponsored as Team USPS) do most of the "set-up" work anyway, whatever the hell that is. No one talks about these "other guys". What is this thing? Is it team, or is it individual? It’s not like he looks that great in yellow or anything. The truth is that if he did not win there would be nothing interesting about it at all.

TOP 50

Okay, while I’m ranting, they (Sports Illustrated) listed "their" top 50 sports movies of all time this week as part of marking (and marketing) the 50th anniversary of the magazine, and while, for example, "Hoosiers" was placed properly in the top 10 all-time sports movies (#6), way too many mistakes were made on the list, starting right at the top. I doth protest.

Although a good movie, Bull Durham (their #1) hardly compares to Rocky (their #2). Rocky (I) is clearly the definitive sports movie of all time so far. It is "The Godfather" of sports movies, as it were. It is unfortunate that he (Sly) made seven sequels or whatever, but that is neither here nor there.

Hypothetical situation: I am being forced to watch "A League of Their Own" (ranked #13) over and over as some kind of hellish punishment. No problem. I could do Madonna showing off and chewing gum, and I could listen to Tom Hanks whining, "There’s no crying in baseball" almost endlessly. Do the same thing with "Bull Durham". I could handle Susan Sarandon philosophizing about baseball maybe twice before I start contemplating suicide.

"Searching for Bobby Fisher" was ranked #24 greatest sports movie of all time. Please! As much as I like the Marx Brothers, 1932’s "Horse Feathers" (ranked #25!) can hardly be called a sports movie. Under this format, "Jaws" would be classified as a sports film about fishermen in competiton for the "big catch".

The real shocker to me was that "The Natural" did not make the top 50. I love this movie, and on so many levels, too. Downhill Racer (also with Robert Redford) was ranked #19. "Downhill Racer" was terrible on most any level you look at it, and for my money two other Redford classics, "Electric Horseman" (Rodeo) or "The Sting" (Gambling) were both better "sports movies" than "Downhill Racer".

"BACK UP THE TRUCK!" - - -Indian fan razzing team after another loss in "Major League"

Also not breaking the top 50 was "Major League". This movie is a classic, with a very young Wesley Snipes as Willie Mays Hays, Charlie Sheen as the "Wild Thing", and Hall-of-Famer Bob Uecker calmly reporting that the pitch was "Just a bit outside" as "Wild Thing" was careening really fast baseballs all over the park, but none anywhere near home plate. There are a ton of great "baseball moments" and baseball lines in this one.

If all this careful train-of-logic is not convincing enough, the fact that "Caddyshack" was ranked #18 should put my theory of poor choices over the top. How can that one, an all-time great movie in any category, not be in the top 5, while "Hoop Dreams" is #4, and a documentary on the 1936 Olympics was ranked #7? Three documentaries made the top 10. Documentaries are not movies.

Who made up this list? I think someone may have taken one too many "Politically Correct" pills right before they endeavored to "rank" the 50 greatest sports movies of all time. Perhaps I just need a "criteria description" and I will come to understand all this.

MY SIXTY MINUTES ARE UP

What about "Heaven Can Wait" with Warren Beatty, Julie Christy, and Jack Warden? How can there not be one with Jimmy Stewart in it? And what about that one where William Bendix plays Babe Ruth…….? Do I sound like Andy Rooney yet?

By the way, shouldn't they change the name of THAT show to something more like,"Everyone on this is Well Over Sixty.........Minutes"?

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