Saturday, May 31, 2003

THE FINAL CHAPTER HAS A SEQUEL?

It is the last Saturday in May. This is the last journal entry for this year. In June I will start a new one, and this will become archive material.

KNOW THE TRUTH, AND THE TRUTH SHALL……Wait! Hold that thought..

I had been very stressed out in the early part of the year by the weight of the things on my mind. I was learning TOO MUCH TRUTH too fast, and let's just say that it was not setting me free. Many things were happening that would affect us, and me mightily. The summer High Altitude Lacrosse Camp at CSU had just been cancelled (drought). Boom. This camp meant so much to the future of our program and to its budget. The camp was later reinstated, but my passion for it still has not been. The Trainer program also was in the process of being cut from Club Sports. This, 2003, would be the last year we would have this very important resource available through the school. Having trainers has always separated us from many other Club programs. State budgets were and are tight everywhere, but this was still a blow.

The season was hard from the beginning. Six early games were snowed out. Because of new drought restrictions we had very specific new schedules. We would have very limited use of the fields for practice sessions in between the multiple snowstorms, but there was this parking lot available outside the stadium……..

I NEVER HAD TO TRY TO GET MY FOOT IN MY MOUTH (PC)
I AM ‘THE NATURAL’ WHEN IT COMES TO THAT

Early last December I was hauled in and "reprimanded" by a committee for comments I made in my journal that perhaps were not generally pro "Bureaucracy" in their tone. Someone took them personally. I didn’t mean nuthin’ personal. My only hope ever was perhaps to one day infuse a little positive input to future proceedings. Before that I didn't even know "anyone" was reading my journal at all. This was my third journal year. I hadn't heard a word.

At any rate, I had heard now, and there were some people who weren't so happy with me. I knew from events at that meeting that I would not be getting the coveted CSU Club Sports Coach of the Year Award in 2003.

I was also told that perhaps Club Sports in general shouldn’t be getting this big anyway, and maybe it all should go back to the way it used to be, when clubs were a bit more generic and laid back, and having no higher aspirations. This concept terrifies me. I have always thought that in life, at least in this country, if you did more, it meant more. Doors opened, rather than closed. I had thought that club successes like ours reflected positively on a school. Either way, I have never been interested in "going back" to where I have already evolved from.

BUREAUCRACYGATE (continued)

I became somewhat hesitant to just let thoughts fly, and to express myself freely in my own personal (though not-so-private) journal. What I wrote about was, all of a sudden, no joke. I couldn’t just be flip anymore. I was now trying "not to offend" anyone. My "Train of thought" style of writing struggled mightily with this concept of self-censorship. My pen lost a little of its humor. Maybe it will all help to make me a better writer someday. This is the half-full view of that glass of water.

A BREAKTHROUGH IS NOT ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL.

On February 11, I actually "woke up", and decided that this would be my seventh and final year coaching here at CSU. I had had enough recent discouragement and uncertainty to last me for a long time. Little did I know at the time how much more uncertainty was yet to come. I later told only my wife and my best friend that this would be the last year for me (Maybe I knew I would chicken out later on). Saying it out loud immediately brought change for me, though, and in a good way. I had become a little depressed on top of having felt frustration for a while. The time had come for me to stop dwelling in that ugly house on that road to nowhere. I had built this place for myself that did not give me much shelter. Making that decision on that day knocked down some of the walls. I began to move out of where I was, and to coach with fire in my belly again. This team was going to be exciting to coach. I knew it. I never want to let my team down by not having passion. I must have that. It is the thing that I bring to the table.

I had already started to compose my post-season "resignation" in my mind, though. I just had to get through the season……and we had to be the last team standing, so that come hell or high water I would have no regrets.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE, or "I AM NOT A WUSS"

Three weeks ago today, May 10th, we were playing the final in St. Louis. I had not thought past that day since February 11. In fact, after February 11th, I shut down pretty much anything that didn’t have something directly to do with May 10th, with the possible exception of my family. That singlemindedness got me into some well-documented hot water, too.

Now, and it is not yet June, I have already scheduled a CSU trip to Michigan, and one to the Pacific Northwest to play Oregon, Sonoma State, Washington, and Simon Fraser during spring break, 2004. My short-term memory is not completely shot, and I am not a wuss. I have just become Pavlov’s dog. When one season ends, I start working on the next.

I know that some of these same obstacles are still there and will remain for this team and for the program. For now they are things we will simply strive to adapt to, and change with. Apparently we will never again be able to do anything without filling out a corresponding form to go with it. It will not be me filling out those forms. My hope is that the leadership on this team expands to where we can have some administrative stability, because at the very least I will be taking off a few of my "hats" in ‘04. I need to get back to doing what I do. I went astray in 2003. I tried to do too much. I must be able to delegate.

Ultimately I was a Wuss, and my short term memory isn't actually all that great either. I am afraid to resign, to leave the kids (players), and to not have this "family" in my life. I really like coaching, and I still love taking part in the team dynamic and its power-building potential. As long as I can still do it, I think I will want to be a coach.

For some reason, though, I no longer fear being "fired." I don’t technically have a job anyway. I guess it would it be only right for me to be fired one day from a job I don’t really have.

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Flip Started Blogging Before it was Cool, Read Over 400 of His Entries Since January 2001
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