Sunday, February 2, 2003

SILENT SCREAMS FILL THE NIGHT

I have always been good at tormenting myself. I wake up at night with thoughts that make me want to scream. Ironies and paradoxes lurk in the corners of my mind. For example, I am too old to be a father again, yet my wife looks really pregnant. How will I send them all to college since I have spent pretty much every dime I have ever gotten into my pocket before the silver actually reached body temperature? I bury my head into the pillow to scream but am distracted when all I can see is neon mesh pockets flashing on the movie screens that are the backs of my closed eyelids. The torment seems endless. I toss I turn. I must be strong, though. If I am not quiet I will suffer the very real sounds from a 3 year-old now sleeping VERY close by. That would be worse. Fortunately I am too old to stay awake and worry for too long, and I soon drop into my usual coma. The feeling of dread is not endless after all.

For me, no matter how you slice it, waking up usually sucks for at least a second or two. No matter how much promise a day holds, my initial thoughts are almost never that. It is especially true when waking up at night, and especially true at my age, because waking up at night always also means I have to get up before I explode. Again I digress too far into the real world

SO MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT - SO LITTLE TIME

I suppose it is not unusual to worry most about the things you can do the least about. This is the time of year that seems to paint a picture of that for me framed on a stressed out canvas. I am punch-drunk with the realities of how much team trips cost and the cost of the season in general. I carry the burden of all the money collecting now that I am team treasurer. I am CFO as well as the field liner guy. I have become Lee Iacoca (famous corporate guy) and Forrest Gump (famous idiot) all rolled into one. Sometimes (most times) it wears on me, because as we know, I would prefer to just coach and "mentor", and all this "other" stuff I pretty much hate. I also realize that doing that "hateful" part of it well and timely means everything to our program and its future. I know how much we need money to operate, and I know how important it is for me to try and lessen the financial burden of the players. Just because it is part of the job doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Sometimes I wonder if I should put all this fundraising energy toward raising money for my own children and family rather than this lacrosse program. I do hope that ultimately I do this for reasons nobler than self-promotion.

The uncertainties of field usage and drought restrictions to come leave many things, including our summer camp in doubt right now. Losing players between the fall and the spring or to injury or ineligibility is always painful to one degree or other, and this year will likely be no different. There are a million stories in the Naked City…..

I PREDICT THAT MAMMOTHS WILL BE HUGE

Then there is the possibility that I created in my own mind that the new professional team, the Colorado Mammoth will have a home playoff game at the exact time we play Michigan in Fort Collins for my big "Face-off in the Fort" thing. I don't know if this is even a real possibility, but it doesn't have to be for me to start worrying about it.

Anyway, I want April 12 to be a festival, a regular Colorado lacrosse Woodstock thing without the rain and naked swimming. I dream it to be a showcase for the high level team I plan on us being by then. I was hopeful of it being the main game around the state that day. My biggest fear is that we will throw a coming out party and no one will actually be there to fall in love with us except for two groupies and a Golden Retriever. Ah, the good old days……….

THE PARTS ARE SOME OF THE HOLE THING

All these fears are nothing compared to the ones that welled up in me during and after yesterday’s scrimmage. What came from that for me was how fragile team solidity can be and that it doesn’t take much for me to get from glib to glum. We were horrible yesterday, and in so many ways. Maybe it was just one of those nightmare things, and I’ll just wake up here in a minute.

Old Man Winter just got here. I was ready. I already cancelled Monday’s practice and Tuesday we can go inside if we need to. I think I’ll go outside now and greet him. I want to thank him for being late this year.

I always thought my body would fall apart way before I began just walking around all day, a babbling, crazy old man. Now, it looks like it could be close, neck and neck.

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