Thursday, December 5, 2002

Two afternoons ago there was a message on my voice mail from Bill Hill, the person at Rec. Sports who has been the man I have worked with at CSU since I arrived in 1996. We know each other pretty well, and I could sense from the inflection in his tone that, even though he had only said to give him a call as soon as possible, something very negative had happened. The rock about to fall on our head felt larger than a broken window at the field house. I called him back, but by then he had gone home.

I thought about it during the night, wondering what I or we had done, wondering if maybe someone up there had been reading my journal, and that this might be about my "pointed" remarks made in the last journal entry. I also wonder at times if anyone anywhere is reading this daily or weekly spewing of my singular view at all. Who cares about the world according to Flip? Well, actually I know my mother does.

If people "upstairs" were reading, though, surely they also would have read all the things that I have written about our CSU family, the pride of our organization and the way that we all strive to represent Colorado State University at the highest level. With a bunch of 18-23 year-old males, this is not always the easiest task, but it is what I care most about, and to a man-child the players all know it. How we project ourselves as a team means everything to me.

I called Hill again first thing in the morning, and, as it turned out I had indeed upset the apple cart, mostly with my journal, and within 2 hours I was in a meeting at the university. The meeting lasted over two hours. Their points were made very clear.

The university officials were upset with some of the pictures we had on our web site, where players were obviously drinking, etc. I can certainly understand. I never meant for the pictures to be malicious in any way. I guess I am always trying to become better at coexisting with alcohol (etc.), because believe me, I would prefer if they (players) didn’t drink at all. Many do. It is difficult for me to pretend that I have autonomy over a college student’s drinking habits. I just do what I can.

When I originally received these controversial pictures I thought a lot about whether to put them up, and yes, I was the one who decided that it wouldn’t be the worst thing I could ever do. I guess I was wrong there. I really do think a lot about this stuff, though, and I’m not sure they really believe that or not.

I am however pleased with the way this brotherhood has grown and learned how to party smarter. It may not be perfect, but they always have designated drivers, and they take care of each other like brothers for the most part. To a large degree they have learned when it is okay to party, and when it is time to focus on the business at hand, whether that be school or lacrosse. This remains an ongoing process. I am grateful and proud that we have done so much traveling, and (foot in mouth) we have done it without major incident. Maybe these factors add up to why I said it was okay to post the pictures.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you was the next subject, alluding to my comments about bureaucracy in general, and the amount of support we get as a program, specifically. I am not ungrateful. Really, I’m not. I just see so much potential and possibility, too.

The thing we most need as a student organization is a field where we can play and practice, and we have thankfully always been blessed with having them at CSU. Many programs, C.U. in particular right now, do not get fields or they have to fight for them. I make fun of the old field house, too, but I am equally grateful to be able to use that facility. I know what they (the university) do for us and all club sports.

All I have ever tried to do here as a leader is to make a bright and good reflection on Colorado State University with our lacrosse program. I look at the responses we get from people around the country now. I look at the quality of kid and player that is looking to come here to go to school and play lacrosse now, and I know in my heart that we are doing good things.

I believe that I am getting very close to understanding how to make one of these club things not only work, but also how to sustain itself. Larger budget allocation from the university is not remotely part of my long-term plan for the program. In fact, the point has always been for us to do more and achieve more for ourselves. To me, that is what student-run organizations are all about. Any financial help that is available from the university is good, too. I never want us to have more than our fair share, though.

My comments about the Hughes Stadium decision were also on the agenda, and the fact that I was almost defiant about having an "event" whether it takes place on campus or not. Hopefully our discussion on this subject will really lead to having it become a project that several capable factions in the school and in the community are working on together in order to make it a great event.

My initial reaction to this whole situation was complex, to say the least. Sometimes in here (journal) I try to make light of things that are very serious, and vice versa. It is my personal journal. Perhaps I don’t always say things the best way. I am not always pretty, and any of my friends, players, or family could tell you that. I have days of all kinds. I really do try to reveal something of myself every time I start banging on the keyboard, though. I do make an effort to try not to make everything too serious. My desire has never been to paint a picture of the Flip that I wish I were, either. I don’t write to become someone who I am not. I try to write to express who I am. I try not to go back and re-think and edit too much. At the same time, my intention is to be clear with my feelings and my musings in hopes of gaining a better understanding of myself, and a better understanding of this team that I love to coach. I have never looked at it as a box full of soap for me to stand on and whine about the injustices of the world or whatever.

I might have easily stopped doing this journal after one season in 2001. That was the plan. It (on-line journal) was just something I had wanted to do. I wrote it, we won the national USLIA championship, thank you very much, and good night. Won’t this be nice for the archives? Then something else happened. For one thing I just got into it. Also, parents and others made it clear to me that they loved this way to follow their friends or sons. The journal connected them. I guess it was at that point that I almost took it as my obligation to write the journal as part of the building of that bigger, broader family that I preach so much about.

When a parent tells me that they feel better knowing that their son will be part of this program for the next four (or five) years, it tells me that I am home, that Fort Collins might really be the place where I am supposed to be. Something must be happening, or why else would I feel like I am living my dream? The dream does evolve, though. It can never be completely fulfilled because then it would be over.

I am not sure what will happen next, but I do feel like we had a positive meeting. We shall see what will be.

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